The Truest Shradh Is the Care We Give While Parents Are Alive

Rituals after death cannot compensate for neglect during a parent’s lifetime; respect, companionship and care are the real expressions of gratitude

SDNA | Opinion

Indian civilisation has traditionally placed parents on a deeply revered pedestal. A mother represents a world of affection, sacrifice and compassion, while a father is often remembered through the values of responsibility, hard work and protection.

For much of their lives, parents put their own wishes aside to secure a better future for their children. They reduce their needs so that their children can have more. Their happiness often becomes inseparable from the happiness of their family.

Yet there is a painful contradiction in modern family life: the very people who spent their youth caring for others can find themselves neglected when they grow old.

What Does Shradh Really Mean?

Shradh, Tarpan and Pitru Paksha occupy an important place in Indian cultural traditions. Families remember their ancestors, offer food, perform rituals and make donations as expressions of remembrance and gratitude.

But these traditions also invite a deeper personal question:

Can remembrance after death have meaning if care was absent during life?

If an elderly mother struggles for basic necessities while her children remain indifferent, or a father waits for someone to ask about his health, can an elaborate ritual after his death truly compensate for years of emotional neglect?

The question is not whether rituals have value. They can hold profound cultural and spiritual significance. The question is whether ritual remembrance should be separated from living responsibility.

When Prosperity Grows but Emotional Wealth Shrinks

Economic progress does not automatically produce emotional closeness.

Work, business, careers, personal ambitions and increasingly busy lifestyles often leave families with less time for one another. Elderly parents may live under the same roof as their children and yet experience profound loneliness.

The father who spent decades building the family home may eventually feel like an inconvenience in his son’s busy schedule. The mother who once went without food to ensure her children had enough may later find herself ignored when she needs care herself.

This is not merely a question of money.

It is a question of time, attention and dignity.

The Painful Contradiction of Mourning

Perhaps the greatest contradiction appears after death.

A parent who could not get a few minutes of conversation while alive may receive elaborate ceremonies after death. A mother whose emotional needs were dismissed may have her photograph surrounded by flowers. A father whose calls were ignored may become the centre of a large memorial gathering.

Such gestures may express genuine grief. But they should also make families pause and ask whether some of that love could have been expressed earlier.

It is easy to decorate a photograph. It is harder to sit beside the person while they are still alive.

A Lifetime of Sacrifice Cannot Be Measured in Money

For many fathers, life has been a continuous struggle to provide education, security, housing and opportunities for their children despite limited resources.

For mothers, sacrifice has often taken quieter forms—staying awake through illness, putting family needs before their own, celebrating a child’s smallest achievement and standing as emotional support during difficult times.

No financial calculation can adequately measure such contributions.

That is why, in old age, what parents need most is not necessarily property or wealth. They need respect, companionship and the assurance that they still matter.

The Question of Old-Age Homes

The growing need for old-age homes also deserves a nuanced discussion.

Not every elderly-care facility represents family failure. Circumstances, medical requirements and the need for professional care can make such facilities necessary and appropriate.

The deeper concern arises when parents are pushed towards institutional care simply because their children no longer have the patience, time or willingness to care for them.

When people who spent their lives building a home experience emotional displacement from that very home, society must examine what has happened to the meaning of family.

Shradh Begins With Living Responsibility

The essence of Shradh lies not merely in food, donations or ceremonies, but in shraddha—genuine reverence and gratitude.

That reverence should not begin only after a parent’s death.

Offering food to ancestors and performing traditional rituals may have their own importance. But if an elderly mother inside the same house is hungry, a father is waiting for someone to help arrange his medicines, or parents are desperate simply for someone to sit and talk to them, then the meaning of our priorities deserves reflection.

The first offering should be compassion. The first ritual should be care.

Small Acts Can Mean Everything

Serving parents is not charity.

It is not a favour that children perform for those who raised them. Nor is it possible to completely repay everything parents have done.

It is simply a human, family and moral responsibility.

Sitting with them for a while. Listening to stories they may have repeated many times. Checking whether they have taken their medicines. Respecting their preferences. Asking about their worries. Taking them outside. Sharing a meal.

These may appear to be small gestures to a busy adult.

For an elderly parent, they can become some of the most meaningful moments of the day.

Children Learn What They See

The values of one generation become the habits of the next.

If children see their parents treating grandparents with affection and dignity, they are more likely to develop the same sensitivity towards older people.

Family is not merely several generations living under one roof. Family is the assurance that when someone becomes vulnerable, they will not be left alone.

The treatment of today’s elderly is also a lesson being written for tomorrow’s children.

The Harder Act Is Loving Someone While They Are Here

Lighting a lamp after death is easy.

Wiping away a parent’s tears while they are alive requires presence.

Putting a garland around a photograph is easy.

Sitting beside an elderly mother and listening patiently to her concerns requires time.

Organising a grand feast in memory of a parent may be meaningful.

But feeding that parent with affection while they are still alive carries a different kind of significance.

Before searching for divinity in distant pilgrimages, perhaps we should recognise the two faces at home whose sacrifices made our own journey possible.

Let Pitru Paksha Become a Reminder, Not Just a Ritual

Pitru Paksha should certainly remain a time to remember those who came before us. But it can also become an opportunity to examine how we treat those who are still with us.

Let love come before ceremony.

Let compassion come before ritual.

Let service come before symbolism.

Because parents are not merely part of our past. They are the roots from which our present exists.

If we can bring a smile to their faces while they are alive, that may be the most meaningful Tarpan.

If we can give them dignity while they are alive, that may be the truest Shradh.

And if we can make their final years less lonely, there may be no greater expression of duty.

Do not wait for a photograph to become the place where you express your love. Tell your parents today that they matter.

Dr. Priyanka Saurabh, PhD (Political Science), is a poet and social thinker.

(SDNA)